The First Two Weeks

So I'm two weeks into the Dedicant's Program, it having been the first of my "resolutions" at the new year to make an honest effort at it.  I've managed to remember to do evening and usually morning devotionals each day, mostly thanks to setting a reminder alarm.  Granted, they've been extremely freeform and have in general involved little-to-no meditation, but at this stage it's the habit I'm trying to instill.  Leaving the particulars for later.  Next month, perhaps.

Also took the opportunity to give Stranger in a Strange Land its annual reread.  And it depressed me.  But I don't want to talk about that just yet.

I'm struggling.  Struggling to make some sense of it all, to bring some order to my thoughts and beliefs.  See, I identify as a "Heathen Druid," with a bit of Gnosticism thrown in.  And whatever the "Thou art God" would be considered.  Apotheo-humanist?  Is there even a word for it?  Pantheism, the God-in-all-things?

There is tension between the "Thou art God" belief and the belief in the literal reality of the Aesir and Vanir.  Let alone the other Kindreds.  It overwhelms, a bit -- I know so few of their names, I know nothing of the nature of the land-wights particularly given my circumstances, and offering reverence and worship to dead people when I did not do so while they were alive ... ugh, so much confusion.

I've thought of myself as a Druid for over a decade now, closing in all-too-rapidly on two.  I've only recently come to fully embrace the "Heathen" label, but it's been a part of things for most of that time.  I was told, long ago, that I belong to the "old man," and I've never really doubted that.  (Perhaps "belong" wasn't the word used, I don't recall with perfect clarity.)  And yet for all that time, nearly twenty years, I've done very little study and even less work.

So I come into this with an odd perspective and many years of bad habits.  Many years of treating this like a Christian faith, praying and praying without ceremony, without offering.  Many years of thinking I knew what was going on all the while learning new dribs and drabs here and there that sometimes radically changed my perspective.  Many years of "experience" with almost no practical knowledge.  And yet I'm not jumping in with the zeal of a newcomer because in so many ways the ideas are old and comfortable to me.

"I've been doing this forever, I don't have all that much to learn."  Which isn't true even for the ancients.  Profound arrogance, the arrogance of the weekend warrior Christian.  Something that must be discarded.

That's really why I began again.  Why I'm trying not to hurry along, burn myself out, lose interest.  Trying to start small and build in increments so I have a solid foundation this time around.

Trouble is, I'm not sure it's working.

I keep spinning around between Heathen polytheism, Neo-Druidic RDNA Earth-mother pantheism, and the teachings of Stranger. I want to learn from the gods and uncover the deep teachings and knowledge while at the same time feeling a profound urge to prostrate myself before the Infinite-God and submit to His will.

There's a simplicity to monotheism that is appealing to me.  I'm not good at making friends at the best of times and the idea of tailoring a ritual to dozens of beings individually and by name is exhausting.  As above, so below: I am much happier addressing a faceless crowd or enjoying the company of a few close friends than I am schmoozing at a huge party.

And perhaps therein lies the answer.  Perhaps I should work on my relationship with one or two of the faces of God at once.  Expand the circle over time instead of trying to draw it around everyone at once.

Reading Stranger threw everything into a bit of upheaval.  The theology presented within resonates with me more strongly than anything else ever has.  Reading through it I am continuously assailed with the "finally, someone understands!" thoughts, which is of course why I keep coming back to it, year after year.

And yet I can't countenance any religious observance that doesn't include Odin in some way.  Though I have not pledged to him nor has he accepted me, I cannot but think of myself as an "Odinsman."  Bit of a sine qua non I suppose.

I used to feel close with the Earth Mother but that's been gone a while.  I think I might strive to get that back.

And then come the other thoughts.  I am God, and thou art God, and together we are God.  All things that grok are God, for God is He who groks.  I am but an egg, this is true, but so is the Earth -- an egg that nurtures and shelters us, but one day we must be strong enough to break free...

It is, in a way, a tripartate spirituality.  That actually has a kind of tidiness.  I think I'll run with it.